As I write this entry, I sit in my bedroom, which is the only room which is still intact in my apartment. Everything else is torn apart, or empty. The living room is full of boxes and furniture. And I sit here, quietly, thinking about just how much I’ve gone through in this apartment. I kind of can’t believe that it’s time for me to say goodbye…
I have lived in this apartment since June of 2010. I had just gotten kicked out of where I was living due to my mental health issues and the crap that was going on with my mom – that was a mess, and I understand why someone would be afraid. But it still didn’t mean that me getting kicked out was the right answer. I found my apartment accidentally, having driven by. I applied right away and paid the security deposit. And I moved in about 2 weeks later.
That being said, I’ve been in this apartment since. Two weeks later, I cried in the arms of several friends as I found out that my mom’s battle with cancer was ending. Then, I drove across the state with Rocky and said goodbye to my mom. Then, I came back and went through the worst depression and anxiety that I’d ever been through in my life. I was also trying to find myself when it came to my sexuality and my faith – and it was hard.
I was reclusive. I stayed home a lot. I played a whole heck of a lot of WoW – which I still do, but it’s not my only outlet for social things. I couldn’t go to the grocery store without wigging out. I couldn’t function, and it totally sucked. And that part of my life lasted until 2013. Sure, I was doing youth ministry, because it was the only thing I wasn’t afraid to do and that would make it so that I didn’t have to fend off panic attacks all of the time.
Then, 2012 happened. I started dating again, only to be cheated on about a year into the relationship. 2013 came along and I got a job at Food Lion that I hated. I started looking into the furry community and realized that I had been missing out on something for a really long time – and that was something taht I really
Later in 2013, after getting cheated on, I got bullied out of the youth ministry that I had been serving with my whole self for years. I started my own small business in this apartment. I cried lots of tears. I had a nervous breakdown in November of 2013, and then started getting therapy in March of 2014.
I came out of the closet later in 2014, and I started attending Veritas in May of 2014. Since then, life has been a whirlwind. I’ve been in and out of another relationship. I’ve been in leadership and helping to push the church forward to what it can be. And I have continued to expand the family that I love and adore into something even bigger and better.
That’s why I’m taking this step. Do you know how nervous I am? Do you know how scary that it is to leave a place that I’ve lived for the past 6 years and had so many ups and downs? And how exciting that it is at the same time. This is my comfortable space, the place that I’ve been through it all – but I’m stepping into a new part of life and a new level. I’m 31 years old now – an age that I truly never thought that I would make it to, ever. And I am a totally new person.
It’s that whole “new creation” thing that Paul talks about. We are constantly evolving, changing, and growing into the image of Christ that we long to be. We’re constantly moving forward and becoming new. And now that I’m finally accepting that yes, I am so different than I have been in the past, I’m really starting to see what it means. Am I still Marti? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean that I’m less of anything else. And that’s where the difference is.
In short (I know, hard to be short when I’ve almost written a novel here), I am excited. I’m scared, but I have a family that has my back and that is going to take care of me in ways that I never imagined. This is the family that I’ve longed for my whole life, and I am so grateful that it is now something I have.
So, the next time you hear from me, I will be living in a new place. I can’t wait to see what adventures come next.