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Reconciling Me – The Start of a New Chapter

Marti's Miscellany Days in the life of a Christian Furry Gamer

Reconciling Me – The Start of a New Chapter

A lot of people claim that they are going to become a new person in the New Year, and a lot of people fail at it. Changing who you are is hard! That’s why so many people ditch their New Year’s Resolutions so quickly. But what if, instead, people just used a term, a word that guided all of their actions and their thoughts in the New Year, instead of making specific goals? Yes, you can make goals, but if you revolve a year around an idea – the chance of failure is much, much less and you will do much more than you imagined.

Where did I get this idea of having a “word of the year?” I have a friend from college, her name is Gigi, and she made last year (2013) “The Year of Sexy.” It was neat to see the cool things that she was doing as a result of living according to being “sexy,” which she defined as “the kind of person who makes you feel like you could do anything, reach any height.” (Check out her blog, by the way – she is a digital nomad, a really insightful person, and a lot of other awesome things and her stories are always amazing).

So anyway, I have been thinking about what word I want to focus on this year. And as time has gone on, I realized there is one word I need to focus on quite desperately: reconciliation. Not because I think that I’ve done lots of things wrong, but because I want to be at peace with myself.

Here is how the word “reconcile” is defined (courtesy of The Free Dictionary):

  1. To reestablish a close relationship between.
  2. To settle or resolve.
  3. To bring (oneself) to accept
  4. To make compatible or consistent.

So yes, the reconciliation that I want to do is not related to my guilt or because I think I’m “bad,” even though that is something that I do struggle with. I’m doing it because there are things in my life that need to be resolved. So what am I going to reconcile? Here’s where I’m getting started…

–        Reconciling Relationships. I’ve messed up, hardcore at times. And I’m not the only one to blame in all of these situations – they’re usually mutual. But there are a number of relationships that I have just walked away from in recent years without attempting to reconcile. Those are the wrongs that I need to make right. I’ve already started well on my way with two very important relationships, and I have many more that I plan to pursue this year.

–        Reconciling my Image. This is one of the reasons that I developed this website. You see, for a long while, I was hiding in several different places. Most people that knew me face to face didn’t know about other parts of me that I’m sharing here. Yes, I’m a Christian – but I’m a moderate one that is liberal on social issues. Yes, that means that I’m in favor of a lot of things that others would disapprove of, including marriage for all, abortion in certain (very specific) circumstances, and a number of other things. I’m a furry in the sense that I enjoy anthropomorphic art, I enjoy animals, and I love movies that feature animals. I’m a gamer that enjoys playing games with the realization that it’s just a game. I explore all of this more in my About Me section.

–        Reconciling with Myself. This is going to be the hardest part of what I’m doing this year. You see guys – I don’t like who I am. And the way that people have treated me, especially with some specific cases in 2013, has made it that much worse. Other people have contributed to making me feel as if I’m not good enough because of what’s wrong with me and because of who I am. I’m not someone that tries to blame everything on a disorder – but I need to come to terms with the fact that I’m not a monster because of it. Do I say and do stupid things? Yes. Some of them are because of my disorder, but not all of them are. Some of them are just because I can be a compulsive jerk that doesn’t think things through.

–        Reconciling with God. This is something that’s been on my mind for awhile. I got really, really angry at God for some of the things that have happened to me. I was frustrated when I lost my grandmother and mom within 18 months of each other. I got angry when a relationship went awry, and when I lost everything I thought I was good at. I dug into my work and stopped trying to hear God. I stopped going to church, I felt very, very alone. But I know, somewhere in myself, that God hasn’t left me at all; I’m going through a difficult time and He wants to help me through it.

 

Will other parts of reconciliation come up throughout the year? Absolutely, but these are the big things that I will be coming up against during this journey. It’s not going to be easy, but reconciliation never really is. I will need love and support, even if you aren’t very happy with the person that you’re discovering – please stick with me. I’m the same exact Marti, Fari, or Draya that you’ve known from the beginning – the picture is just more complete for all of you.