First off, I know, I disappeared off of the face of the earth again. That was because moving was nuts. I’m so glad that I moved – trust me. I feel so much better being where I am now. I’m much, much closer to my church family and friends, and I’m nice and secure. I also love the fact that I am in a downtown setting again. That’s something that I missed.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about how I’m dealing with the biggest hurdle in my life – my weight.
I’ve shared about my weight on here before. It’s one of the biggest problems that I’ve had for a long time. And honestly, I try to keep the whole thing under the radar. When you’re overweight… okay, yeah, obese – like I am, you actually have a lot of confidence issues. I will tell you, if you’re around me a lot, you’ll find out that I deflect it with humor. I make fun of my size because I’m uncomfortable with it.
There’s a lot of background to this. Some of it is based on the societal scripts that go in our heads all of the time. You know exactly what I’m talking about, right? “You have to be thin to be beautiful” blah blah blah blah BLAH. Bullcrap. And I know that it’s bullcrap, but that doesn’t mean that you still don’t inundated with it and everything around it.
Granted, I am always going to be big. No, that’s not me being defeatist. That is me being honest and realistic. Look at my wrist. I know, it’s gorgeous and everyone has always wanted to see it. However, do you see my fingers? They are pushing as far in as they can go. My bones are dense. I am a big, beefy girl and I will always be that way. That being said, I weigh way too much and I don’t plan on staying this way but, if I start dropping below my healthy weight – which is a lot more than that crappy BMI or anything says – I’m going to look sickly. My goal is 200 lbs, so if you’re on my Facebook, you’ll see my #200orbust hashtag when I talk about this.
So, it’s about balance. and if you’ve known me for any period of time, you know that I really like food. I like to eat. There’s a part of me that only eats to survive but I do actually like high-quality food. Portion control is something that I have absolutely no grip on at all and, because of that, it gives me a lot of issues and makes it really frustrating for me.
I am also lazy as hell. I admit it. I don’t like to cook, it takes too much time and effort. I’ve never enjoyed doing it alone and I have no idea if there is anything I can do to make it better. I work from home so I sit on my butt most of the time, trying to get stuff done and not going out. Moving somewhere that I have to climb stairs is going to help a lot, but I need to get up and move.
My weight is my armor, though. That sounds ridiculous but, as with many people who are out there and fighting weight issues like I am, there is something that is safe, and comfortable, and “okay” with being heavy. It keeps people away and encourages them to shy away. It keeps things from getting too overwhelming and scary – and that can save a lot of stress and anxiety.
But at the same time, I don’t want to keep people away. I love people and want to love them. I want to be able to do fun activities and go places and ride a freaking roller coaster without having to worry that my hips are too big. You see the conflict that I am trying to deal with every single day? It’s a bear sometimes, and not the good kind.
So, in short, yes, this was another rant about my weight. It’s something I’ve fought with my whole life and, in all honesty, I want to do what I can in order to try and get down to 200 lbs. I am 31 years old. There are 75 pounds between me and that weight and, in all honesty, the thought of trying to do is terrifying. But you know what? I love myself, and I love you. And I want to be here for as long as I can. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am not dying young like so many of my family members have because of something that could have been prevented.
Come with me on this journey. See where it goes. And then see how much of a difference it makes when I finally get past this. On Monday, I start eating clean and we’ll see where this takes me. Pray for me?